Becoming a Mother

Seven years ago today at 4:00am my doctor woke me up to tell me she had decided to go ahead and induce me. I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first child, a boy. I was in no way ready physically to have a baby, but pre-eclampsia said otherwise and the induction was started.

12 hours later I had progressed to between 4-5 centimeters and my son was crowning out the back of his head. My doctor told me that I would need to have a c-section. I was exhausted and terrified, and at that point had been in the hospital for almost 30 hours. There was no turning back, and we were putting both me and my son at risk to go any longer. So I took a deep breath and my husband gave me a Priesthood blessing, and I was taken to the operating room.

I really don't remember much because I had had about four hours of sleep and my body had been going through contractions (pretty hard contractions that I didn't feel thanks to the epidural) for most of the day. I remember the nurse saying that there was no way that I would have had the strength to even get through pushing. I do remember the first time I heard my son cry. I remember a tear slid down my face as husband and my mom (my wonderful doctor had somehow gotten permission for her to be in with us) told me what was happening. I remember my husband putting that sweet little face up to mine as I laid eyes on my firstborn. The feeling and the Spirit in the room was overpowering, even with all of the chaos. He was born at 7:09pm.

I wasn't able to hold him until almost two hours later and my first thought was, "I would do this all over again for you." Which was a far cry from my thought a few hours earlier which was, "I will NEVER do this again!" It's true that you forget, or if you don't forget you at least don't care.

I still feel like I glimpse Heaven when I look into my little boy's face, even seven years later. He drives me crazy and he talks back and he sometimes has moments where I wonder if he will ever stop talking. But those blue eyes and freckles looking into my eyes and saying, "I love you, Mama" will always melt my heart because of what I went through to get him here. He made me a mother, and for that I will always be grateful.